How Self-Compassion Can Create Greater Happiness
Image by Freepik
Your boss asked you to send a PowerPoint presentation to upper management. You sent the wrong one. You berate yourself. “That was so stupid!”
You spend the rest of the day ruminating over and over how much better everyone else is doing, dwelling on your mistake.
This is an emotional response distorted in reality. In fact, everyone makes mistakes.
Instead of being hard on yourself, try being self-compassionate. Self-compassion uplifts and pushes you toward growth.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is a kind, supportive attitude toward yourself. It means you acknowledge your flaws without harsh self-criticism. This acceptance reduces feelings of unworthiness. Simply put, self-compassion is treating yourself the way you’d treat a good friend.
Dr. Kristen Neff, a premier researcher in modern psychology, says self-compassion consists of three elements:
self-kindness
common humanity
mindfulness
Self-kindness is exactly what it sounds like – being kind to yourself. But it’s more than limiting self-criticism. It involves actively showing concern for your own distress.
Common humanity means recognizing that you’re human. As humans, we all experience suffering and have flaws. Recognizing your commonalities with others makes you feel less alone. Viewing your situation as part of the human experience is less isolating.
Self-compassion is awareness of your struggles. It’s recognizing that having missteps is part of being human. Then, being kind to yourself when a snafu happens.
Mindfulness involves embracing feelings and experiences without evaluating them.
Common Misconceptions about Self-Compassion
Although self-compassion increases positivity, it is distinctly different from self-esteem. Self-esteem is how much you value yourself, compared to others.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, doesn’t rely on comparing yourself to others. Instead, it’s a way to be kind and accepting of yourself, especially when you fail or feel inadequate.
However, in research studies, it was found that self-compassionate people did have more self-worth.
In an 8-month study conducted by Dr. Neff, self-compassionate participants had more self-worth than those unable to display self-compassion. Self-compassionate participants in the study were also less dependent on self-appearance, self-performance, and social approval.
Some other researchers found self-esteem strongly linked to narcissism. But self-compassion was not. These findings suggest that self-compassionate people are less judgmental. They don’t care about feeling superior to others.
Critics of self-compassion worry that it’s weak, indulgent, and selfish. They fear it will limit motivation. To the contrary, self-compassionate individuals tend to be strong and resilient. Self-compassionate people have a great deal of inner strength.
Benefits of Self-Compassion
Practicing self-compassion is helpful in managing life’s difficulties. Self-compassion boosts your positive mental state. Positivity directs attention to what’s going well, rather than only focusing on what’s wrong.
Research literature strongly supports the link between self-compassion and wellbeing because it has the power to:
Build resilience. Resilience helps you deal with life’s challenges. It helps you face hardships without spiraling into self-blame or shame.
Boost performance. Psychologists are discovering that self-compassion boosts performance in many areas. It helps seniors feel less negative about changes in their abilities as they age. It also helps athletes push themselves in a more positive, non-judgmental way.
Reduce critical thoughts. Another study found that practicing self-compassion reduces your critical thoughts about yourself. Women with high levels of self-compassion were studied. It was found that they experienced less body shame and disordered eating.
Increase healthy relationships. Studies found that when you practice self-compassion, you tend to have warm, validating relationships, greater emotional awareness, and self-acceptance. You’re able to self-soothe and respond to stressors better.
Reduce anxiety and depression. Research consistently found that higher self-compassion is linked to less mental health disorders or less severe disorders. Self-compassion lessened negative thoughts which, in turn, improved emotional regulation, and reduced shame.
When participants wrote a self-compassionate letter to themselves for five days, it reduced depression for three months.
Participants’ happiness levels remained elevated for another six months.
Self-Compassion, Growth Mindset and Authenticity
Practicing Mindfulness is Key to Self-Compassion
The key to self-compassion is practicing mindfulness – or balanced awareness. You can’t show yourself compassion if you can't acknowledge your pain. Acknowledging it helps you realize that your negative thoughts and feelings are nothing more than thoughts and feelings. When you practice mindfulness, you neither avoid nor overthink your problems.
This type of thought pattern is called a growth mindset.
There are benefits to adopting a growth mindset over a fixed mindset. When you have a fixed mindset, you see your traits and abilities as unchangeable or fixed. You believe that your identity today reflects your identity years from now. When you have a growth mindset, you see traits and abilities as changeable. You believe in the potential for growth. So, you’re more likely to try to improve.
If, after you were reprimanded about poor work performance, you still volunteered to head up the next project, that’s a sign of a strong growth mindset — your willingness to try again after getting negative feedback.
Self-Compassion Fosters Authenticity
Psychologists have found that reducing negative thoughts and self-doubt leads to authenticity. Self-compassion in the workplace can help you gravitate to work roles that benefit your personality.
Kindness, understanding, and reducing self-judgment makes you more willing to take chances. You are less likely to feel ashamed about mistakes you make.
Compassion brings about calm, balance, and optimism. This increases your inclination to show your true self. You’re more able to face tough experiences with a positive, open attitude.
Advantages of Self-Compassion in Work Roles
A self-compassionate mindset benefits others, around you. This is especially true for leaders. If you are an authority figure in your workplace, being kind and non-judgmental to yourself helps you treat others with compassion. Also, compassion for others can increase your own self-compassion. This creates a cycle of growing compassion.
Leaders with a growth mindset are better at noticing changes in their employees’ performance. You, as a compassionate leader, can give useful feedback to employees on how to improve. A growth mindset means believing that change is possible.
Your co-workers and employees can sense authenticity in you. They react positively to your growth mindset, making them more motivated and satisfied. When you are true to yourself, it creates a more authentic workplace.
Self-compassion and authenticity boosts motivation and determination in employees, increasing their desire to improve over time. It can help people find roles that best suit them.
Characteristics Of Those Who Practice Self-Compassion
There are three prominent characteristics of people who practice self-compassion. You are practicing self-compassion if:
☑️You are kind, not harsh, about your failures.
☑️You recognize that failures are a shared human experience. You are not the only one who makes mistakes.
☑️You take a balanced approach to negative emotions. When you stumble or fall short, of course you feel bad. But you don't let those negative emotions take over.
Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion
Despite the mental health benefits of self-compassion, it is often challenging to practice.
Use this simple 3-point definition of self-compassion as a checklist:
Are you being kind and understanding to yourself?
Do you acknowledge shortcomings and failure as experiences shared by everyone?
Are you keeping your negative feelings in perspective? You can achieve this with an easy trick. Sit down and write yourself a letter in the third person, as if you’re a friend or loved one. This can help avoid spirals of defensiveness or self-hatred.
If you're struggling to be more self-compassionate, don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying and you’ll find it comes easier the more you practice.
5 Ways To Add Self-Compassion Into Your Daily Life
Check in with yourself throughout the day. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Maybe you need a short walk around the block. Or, to get up from your desk and make a cup of tea. Or a chat with a friend. Part of caring for yourself is listening to and then addressing your needs.
Journal about times when you are hard on yourself. Take note of harsh self-judgments. Notice patterns, then ask yourself if harsh judgments and negative self-talk helped you. Challenge yourself to wonder what will happen if you change your thoughts.
Find small ways to be kind to yourself. That could be a cup of tea, watching a funny video, journaling, saying a short prayer, or taking some deep breaths.
When you're upset, imagine comforting your younger self or a favorite baby animal. If you find it hard to be compassionate to yourself, visualize comforting your younger self or a pet. This can still be an effective way to practice compassion.
Try guided meditation. Look for meditations online that encourage body scans, deep breathing, and being aware of your feelings.
Final Thoughts on Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is linked to greater happiness and a positive outlook. It increases life satisfaction.
You want this for yourself.
If you're struggling to be more self-compassionate, don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying and you’ll find it comes easier the more you practice.
Are you finding happiness hard to attain? Do you think increasing your self-compassion will help? Not sure how to effectively make this change in your life?
Coral Rose Counseling is here to help. Therapy can help you develop healthy thinking patterns.
Consultations and therapy sessions are conducted virtually for women residing in Georgia or Virginia.
Click here to set up a consultation today.
Resources
1. Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–217. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Neff-2023.pdf
2. Alvarez, C. (n.d.). Night shift in the emergency room: How self-compassion saved my life. Stanford Medicine. https://stanmed.stanford.edu/night-shift-emergency-room-self-compassion-alvarez/
3. Neff, K. D., Knox, M. C., Long, P., & Gregory, K. (2020). Caring for others without losing yourself: An adaptation of the mindful self-compassion program for healthcare communities. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(9), 1543–1562. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Neff.Knox_.2020.pdf
4. Allen, A., & Leary, M. R. (2010). Self-compassion, stress, and coping. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(2), 107–118. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/SCCoping.pdf
5. Bendre, V. M. (2020). Self-compassion, wellbeing, and collective family efficacy of women: An intergenerational study. Journal of Psychosocial Research, 15(2), 629–637. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Bendre-2020-Self-Compassion-Wellbeing-and-Collective-Family-E.pdf
6. Everyday Health. (n.d.). 10 tips for showing yourself some self-compassion. Everyday Health. https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/tips-for-showing-yourself-some-self-compassion/
7. Neff, K. D. (2009). The role of self-compassion in development: A healthier way to relate to oneself. Self and Identity. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790748/
