The Mental Load Dilemma: How Gender Inequality in Household Labor Causes Anxiety in Women
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Is this your scenario?
You sit in an important team meeting, but your mind keeps drifting…
Did I pack my son's almond milk for lunch?
Did I take out the chicken to thaw for dinner?
Did I submit the car insurance payment?
These constant interruptions show the relentless nature of mental load, or cognitive labor. It’s the invisible mental work of running a household. It can include planning meals, scheduling appointments, arranging childcare, organizing family events, maintaining school supply lists, and many other tasks.
It can feel like an endless list. You must anticipate your family's needs. Then, you must plan, organize, schedule, and monitor logistics to meet those needs.
Often, people see you as the main doer of household tasks. But your role goes beyond visible chores. You are your family's CEO.
How Did Women Become CEOs of the Household?
Over the last several decades, women have taken on more paid work, but household expectations remain largely unchanged. More and more women express anxiety over meeting all the demands.
The 1970s were a turning point for women in the workforce. The feminist movement challenged traditional gender roles and fought for equal rights. This shift led to greater acceptance of women working outside the home. New laws banning gender-based discrimination created better job opportunities. This also increased women's participation in the labor force.
Gender Differences in Household Labor
Recent studies on mental load show a stark gender imbalance. In a study of 322 mothers with young children, researchers found that women shoulder approximately 73% of household cognitive labor—an even greater disparity than exists in physical household tasks.
Sociologists studying mental load found that women do more physical and mental tasks in the home than men.
Women performed 73% of cognitive tasks and 64% of physical tasks. Examples of physical tasks included activities like bathing children and grocery shopping. Cognitive tasks included scheduling appointments and checking homework.
Men were more likely to handle tasks like taking out the trash or yardwork.
It's well-documented that women do most household chores. This includes cleaning, cooking, laundry, and childcare. These tasks are time-consuming and physically demanding, contributing to what some call the "working mother’s second shift”.
Inequity in mental load affects women more significantly than physical household tasks. This also affects relationships.
The Division of Household Tasks: Cognitive vs. Physical
To better understand the distribution of household responsibilities, researchers divide tasks into two categories: cognitive and physical.
Cognitive labor involves the mental processes of anticipating, planning, and delegating tasks.
Physical labor involves the physical execution of tasks.
Research has found four stages of cognitive labor in most relationships. The partner who carries most of the cognitive labor tends to manage mental load in four stages:
Anticipating: Recognizing future needs (e.g., planning family vacations)
Identifying: Researching options to meet those needs
Deciding: Making choices based on the identified options
Monitoring: Ensuring follow-through and completion of tasks
The cognitive effort in these four stages requires remembering many details. You need to know when to replace household items, what meals to plan, which groceries to buy, and how to manage family logistics. It's a constant mental juggling act that requires significant emotional and intellectual energy.
A common example is keeping the house clean.
Anticipation might involve:
Recognizing ongoing cleaning needs
Identifying areas that require more frequent attention
Planning might involve:
Creating a cleaning schedule
Determining which cleaning tasks to do daily, weekly, and monthly
Creating a list of necessary cleaning supplies
Delegation might involve:
Assigning cleaning tasks to family members
Discussing expectations with household members
Monitoring may involve:
Checking if assigned tasks are completed satisfactorily
Identifying areas that may need more attention
Physical Execution involves:
Performing daily tasks (e.g., dishes, quick tidying)
Purchasing and restocking cleaning supplies
One study, involving in-depth discussions with 35 couples, revealed striking gender imbalances. Women primarily handled the "anticipate" and "monitor" stages. However, there seemed to be more collaboration in the "identify" and "decide" stages.
Overall, though, women's "antennas" seemed to be constantly attuned to household needs. Men often helped when issues were brought to their attention. But women consistently identified and initiated action on these tasks first.
This gap shows up in many areas of home management. It affects daily chores and long-term plans, like kids' education and next summer's vacation.
Are Cultural Norms the Cause of Mental Load?
Childhood conditioning contributes to what we feel our role in relationships should be. As children, many of us learned to view this type of mental work as the responsibility of women.
This uneven distribution of mental load involves more than individual choices or capabilities. Many men excel at planning, organizing, and executing tasks at work. Yet, these skills are often absent at home. The root cause seems cultural. Society seems to define “good mothering” as worrying and mental labor. Men do not have the same expectations.
Women know others will judge them more harshly if something goes wrong. If your child fails a test at school or the family misses an event, the failure rests on your shoulders. Today, fathers are expected to be more involved in physical childcare. However, they often do not share equal responsibility for their children's growth and well-being.
Effects on Mental Health and Relationships
Women’s mental load often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. This can result in higher levels of depression, anxiety, burnout, and relationship dissatisfaction.
Many struggle with balancing career performance and domestic expectations.
Gender norms sometimes contribute to the imbalance. Women are judged more harshly for lapses in household management.
You forgot to send the field trip money to school. Your partner expresses disappointment. Or sometimes it’s self-judgement. Other times it’s outside criticism by peers and family who expect you to “have it all together”.
The Hidden Anxiety of Mental Load
The mental load of managing a household is hard on women for several reasons.
Invisibility
Cognitive labor often occurs behind the scenes, making it easy to overlook or undervalue.
Lack of recognition
Family members may not acknowledge or appreciate this mental effort. You feel unappreciated.
Mental drain
You have less mental energy for other priorities, such as personal and professional goals.
For instance, you end up skipping your weekly Pilates class to help your son with his science project. Or you’re up all night finishing an end-of-quarter work report because you had to prepare the guest room for your sister’s weekend visit.
Stress in Relationships
The unequal distribution of household labor can have significant consequences on your relationship.
An uneven division of physical tasks may lower your relationship satisfaction. But an imbalance in mental load hurts your mental health even more.
Women with a greater mental load often report more depression, anxiety, and burnout.
These imbalances in mental load are often cited by women as a reason for divorce. This has a profound impact on relationship dynamics. The cognitive load of domestic partnerships is often overlooked. It deserves more attention from mental health providers and relationship educators.
Eve Rodsky’s book, "Fair Play," discusses ways couples can fairly divide household chores. Rodsky says the mental load issue isn't just about women. A couple’s relationship satisfaction suffers when mental load is unfairly distributed. The solution is recognizing and redistributing responsibilities.
Effect of Mental Load on a Woman’s Professional Work
The disproportionate burden of household labor limits women's ability to fully engage at work often leading to divided focus on the job. This contributes to persistent gender gaps in career advancement and earning potential.
Can You Balance the Mental Load?
Yes. You can. But it will take some work.
Increasing awareness is key.
We must understand and address the mental side of household work. It’s key to healthier, fairer relationships. It will also support your well-being.
Many women do not even recognize how much cognitive labor they take on. Tracking cognitive labor for a week can help shed light on the imbalance.
If you walk the dog, write it down. If your partner takes the kids to the dentist, write it down.
The point is not to keep score but to become aware of how each of you is contributing.
Cognitive labor can be tough to track. It usually occurs with other tasks.
For instance, you might be checking the weather while cooking dinner. Or, responding to emails about an upcoming playdate while finishing your work for the day.
Communication and redistribution of tasks.
Open dialogue and structured solutions can prevent resentment and relationship breakdown.
Once you know your household's mental workload, discuss the division of labor with your partner. The goal isn’t to blame each other but to recognize the imbalances and find ways to share the load more fairly.
Couples can share tasks in two ways. They can take turns handling all cognitive work or split responsibilities to make it feel fair.
Have these discussions when you and your partner are calm. Avoid doing it when you're frustrated or exhausted. A common cycle occurs when one partner becomes overwhelmed. They then express their frustration in an emotional outburst. The other partner withdraws instead of engaging.
A better way is to take a break. Reflect on what caused the escalation. Then, return to the conversation with a collaborative mindset. Ideally, this should happen within 48 hours—long enough to cool off but not so long that the issue gets buried.
It’s also unrealistic to expect one big conversation to solve everything. Many couples find weekly check-ins helpful. Task distributions adjust as needs evolve. Advocate for yourself if the scales still seem too unbalanced.
You can also try Eve Rodsky’s card game system. Partners split a deck of cards representing different household tasks. The key is that whoever holds a card owns that task completely—from planning to execution.
Seek Help As Needed
Change for women has been slow in the past. But with intentional efforts, you can lessen your anxiety over this very common issue. It is possible for both you and your partner to feel supported, valued, and equal in your responsibilities.
If you need help reaching a balance, seek out a therapist for guidance. Coral Rose Counseling in Alpharetta, Georgia specializes in treating women with anxiety surrounding mental load and other issues.
Sessions are conducted virtually for women residing in Georgia or Virginia.
Click here to set up a consultation today.
Resources
Lockman, D. (2019, May 7). All the rage: Mothers, fathers and the myth of equal partnership. Harper.
Kecmanovic, J. (2024, October 20). Being CEO of the household is weighing women down. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/10/20/cognitive-labor-household-women-burnout/
Mental load of household tasks takes toll on mothers' mental health. (2024, July 30). News-Medical.net. https://www.news-medical.net/news/20240730/Mental-load-of-household-tasks-takes-toll-on-mothers-mental-health.aspx
NPR. (2019, May 12). 'All The Rage' isn't about moms having it all — it's about moms doing it all. https://www.npr.org/transcripts/722173367
Rogers, C. O. (Host). (2024, June 5). Creating equal partners through division of labor with Eve Rodsky (No. 123) [Audio podcast episode]. In Conversations with Cam. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvmzLBFgGas&t=15s
Grose, J. (2021, April 21). Why women do the household worrying. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/21/parenting/women-gender-gap-domestic-work.html?smid=url-share
Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). G.P. Putnam's Sons.
Fair Play Life. (n.d.). The cards. https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards
